i dont understand

today. i lost someone. i lost someone close to me. but of course i was too busy with my daily life to actually realize how close he was to me. i dont understand why it happened. it makes no sense. but i guess that is the way life is. the only thing i can think about is how i could have done more. done more to prevent it. done more to strengthen our bond. just done more period. i played back our friendship from begining to end, but my horrible memory wont give me much details. i just know it was good. it was great. for someone like me who always makes people laugh you were one of the few that truly made me laugh. your smile was infectious. and now i will only have pictures to remind me of the good times we shared. there was so much more life we could have lived. so much more experiences we could have gone through together. but now i will have to live them by myself. dont worry though, i have plans to take you with me where ever i go. you will see me live my life either through my eyes or from up above me. i know you are watching over me. and watching over kobe. i just dont understand what the rush was for Him to take you so suddenly. He must be planning something big if He needed you by His side. i feel so powerless. i wish there was something i could do. but i will have to honor you and remember you my own way. you will always be that unique and special person that can never be replaced. i cant wait to see you again and talk and laugh like we used to. when my time comes, i hope you are one of the people who guide me to where ever i need to go. if you are not too busy, visit me in my dreams and we can share some laughs too. i will never forget you. there is so much more i want to say to you. i wish we had one more night of games and pizza and nba and pool and comedy and anything. i will not rush to see you but i will look forward to it. i wish i could have seen you become an even more amazing person than you already are. and i would have been really happy knowing that i had something to do with it. but now it is the other way around. you will watch over me as i become even better. and know that you have influenced me greatly. i dont understand. and i never will understand. but i will always remember you and i will always love you. i hope you are reading this. ive probabaly got a few more. so keep checking back. you will be missed adam. i love you.