another day

its another day and i cant seem to sit still and not think about you. rather. i cant seem to do anything and not have you pop up in my head. and when thoughts of you pop in my head. immediately follows is a feeling of sadness and loss. why did i not call you. why did i not help you enough so you wouldnt have made that decision. why did i not spend more time with you when i had the opportunity. questions that float in the back of my mind everytime my brain gets an oppening. i dont think i can take another hit like this and that is why i am going to alter my approach to certain things. dont worry buddy. if i live long enough to see a working time machine. i'll make sure to stop by and prevent that from happening. whenever i am home i find myself logging onto facebook and inexplicably looking at your page. i know it isnt the healthiest things to do but i cant help it. there you are. with your smiles. your good times. with all the lives that you touched. there is no consolation regarding the situation but it does make it a bit better when i read what other people write for you. you are without a doubt a smile giver. and laugh spreader. giving away happiness like an std. i saw your name in my phone today and i dont understand how i can ever delete your number. i am so tempted to call and wish that a miracle will have you pick up again. but thats probably not going to happen. i dont know if i have any more of your msgs saved in my phone. but i will not be touching them if i do. anything that can remind me of you is good. i had to leave my house today coz it was getting a little too suffocating. ended up shopping and buying lots of stuff. it did temporarily help, but now im back home and sad and my wallet is hurting as well as my heart. although im pretty sure you would like the stuff i bought and probably go out and get something similar. man. i really wish we had a bit more time. hey. i decided to get your tattoo done. i wont get the entire thing but i'll have it on me. you will see how i live. and i will never forget. i have a lot to deal with as well personally but i promise i'll get that done before i leave. it would have been good times if you could have come to hong kong for a vacation that im sure you would love. i was just looking at pics you took in the dominicans and i kinda wished we could have the opportunity to do it too. there will be so many things that i do that could have been that much better if you were around. and those thoughts make me even more sad. i cant even begin to imagine what your family and gf are feeling. so im trying not to bother them. but kat is the only connection i have to you now and shes being great at keeping me up to date. if i am able to, i will try to watch over your family as well. dont worry. i will get over this soon, i am a robot after all. and when i do get past this, i will live life for the both of us. take it easy adam.