thoughts...and some bitchin

Sé cómo usted se siente. Ellos me rompieron también...

you know, this thing we call life isnt as easy as it looks. everyday its something different, although at first glance, this might appedesirableble, it is...ultimately not. why do i say this? well its because the familiar is where we strive. practice makes perfect...so they say. but i think its mainly because we, as humans fear the unknown. and fear is such a feeling that the less we feel of it, the better it is for us, for our little hearts, sor-to speak. i used to be one of these people. the type that feared change because i enjoyed routine. the safeness of routine. not having to deal with things i havent already encountered and overcome. however, that version of me is no longer present. i murdered him in his sleep and dug up a grave in my backyard and burried him. dont tell nobody coz i might get into some trouble. but regardless, the reason i killed the other guy was because i realized that lifestyle wasnt really healthy, nor was it in any way realistic. come on, as humans living in this crazy little world of ours today, the only constant is change is it not? and if you cant coexist with the only constant, then youre gonna get into some trouble in life...

so what i did? i reframed my outlook on life, and on our not so decent world, and took the "im gonna experience everything at least once" approach coz, i dont want to be dead and not know the feeling of having to change tires in a blizzard, or busting a lead cap in a crack head. well i guess there are some things that dont really need to be experienced, but you get the point. so here i am today, not dreading the unknown but embracing it with my new found, yet slightly forced version of optimism. although there are days when i would rather just stay in bed, do nothing, and just forget all my mundane worries under the mask of some steaming hot sex. but that, again, is not the norm, no matter how much i would like it to be.

i do not know what it is with this new approach to life, but it has me feeling very uninspired, very very dull. its true the everyday brings something new, yet these new things are never fun. well sometimes they are. but mostly not fun. just something to do, yes i do enjoy learning the feeling and physical processes of doing these things, but emotionally, they bring no joy. and it is because of this that i feel like there is "a hole in my heart" something is missing. what is it? i know not. but i do know it is something emotional and spiritual. something that will make me look forward to waking up, something that will make me sit down with a pen and pad and just write my soul, something that will be so hard to articulate i would have to make up words just to try to get the meaning across.

shit...a phone call just ruined my rhythm...

which brings me to another bone i would like to pick. what the hell is the deal with people not being able to make proper decisions. yes i know some people need to make some mistakes for them to learn the lesson, hell, ive made quite a few myself. but how can people continuously make poor decisions like it doesnt affect them? how can people do things like it doesnt matter? when will they realize the severity or more appropriately the reality of the things they do and the consequences of the decisions they make. man, stupid people. just cant stand them, but there they are, standing around.

i have one more semester of my undergrad thing to go. pretty excited coz im following my plan, although half a year later than i was supposed to...but then its better late than never..or in my case, better late than even later. ever since i started university, i knew in the back of my head that, the last year will probably be the toughest, not coz the courses are harder, but because i will probably take it easy the first few years and then straighten out when things start hitting close to home. thats the way i am with most things. well the way i used to be. now, everything is approached with a plan. what i want to do, and how im gonna do it. but patience is something i severely lack...but it is getting better day by day.

something ive noticed, how do i know if somethings been on my mind consciously or unconsciously. i dream of them. yes, you read correctly, i have dreams about things, or people, that i dont even realize i think about. and poof, there they are, in my dreams. then i wake up and realize ive been thinking about them, or it, or him, or her. and sometimes im surprised by this sense of unexpected emotion when something unexpected happens. like...ohhh, i didnt know i would feel this way...niceeeee...like reading something from a intoxicated angry dog